the long lived lies

you can pull out my throat, i don't care, don't need it anyways to say what must be said it's better that i don't speak, it's better that i don't do anything at all, i can't protest innocence or guilt or say anything at all anymore it seems my throat isn't all that's now missing, my heart isn't what it once was, ha, how could it be after what i've done, the thought that i thought that it could have been is indeed laughable. my mind still another story still messed up if not more, i'm inclined to think the latter but what do i know as i said, it's more messed up than before. my love for life..... so much for that idea.... but it's the only one that keeps me going, somehow i still trust in people however many times they let me down, however many times they put me down, somehow i trust them, care for them, love them as i wish they loved me. but how could they love me a throatless, heartless, headless beast of burden wandering this world with wonder and excitement, only the young still see the excitement, people "my age" can't see the wonder in just being alive still, or being alive to begin with, you say, BUBBLE WRAP and they wonder why on earth they would care and what on earth is your problem, if you can't take joy in small simple things, what's not to stop you from enjoying the "important" things, i'll let you in on a lil secret, everything is important and everything doesn't matter, it's all on how you look at it, and in my world, or even in yours YOU get to choose what is important and what isn't there for it all. so the the lie live on let the lives play out and let you get what you deserve, i deserve better than that but i'll settle for what i can get, we all will, you and you and you will all take what you can get cause of course what else is there, surely nothing more.... THERE there is always something more you just don't know where to look for it, but something that is looked for always found in the last place you look so why not keep looking, you just don't even care anymore you've conformed you'll take it and you'll like it and that all that can be done.... or so you think, you don't do much of that for yourself these days now do you, i'll always think for myself that's why i am who i am and not him or him i'm me, try it sometime i think you'll get lost in the experience cause that's all i am an experience drifting aimlessly enjoying it while i can cause apparently i have to grow up apparently i have to conform apparently all this must one day end but guess what, i definately don't care. i'll take every single moment that i can and turn it to my own enjoyment their misfortune, my amusement, their pain my joy, i will laugh at their demise as they all try to be so perfect, so different by being the same i will revel in their failure and go on being my own.
So let it end when i walk away just leave it at that, i won't blame you infact that's what i asked for even though i looked back when i walked away it was to think what could be, and not that i wish it were.. cause it won't, it can't, it will never be that way. maybe with another beginning perhaps, but that was definately the end. this is definately the end.

i leave my mind. i take the trip the world is gone and i am sick

just a couple new ones

As I sit I look to the shining stars, the night. And I’m not in pain, I’ve got my flowers. And I don’t believe in miracles. But the thought that this night just might be so perfect makes me a believer in you. Maybe you can accept me for who i am, for the things that i’ve done that have made me this way. Maybe you can put up with my impulsivness, after all, i do have flowers... there is a rose here, just one in the whole bundle, the rest i couldn’t care less about, a daisy here, maybe a lilac or two there, but theres only one rose, and it’s just for you, everyone else will see this arrangment of lay mans flowers, hardly anything more than weeds, but i know you, you will see the rose and that’s all that will matter to you. Maybe you’ll see what the flowers have in common with me, maybe not, but you’ll still see that perfect little rose which i believe has something in common with you. Somehow surrounded by all the nonesense that the world has to offer you managed to stay strong and beautiful as you were, unfettered by the winds, the sun, and the rain yet here you are, a red rose among the ordinary, a beautiful thing among the rest. and maybe you’ll see me for what i really am instead of just whats on the outside, i believe you will, cause i’ve got my flowers.


A blind young bliss, to the few of this world. Need not care need not long, someone will be there. Those who want, do just that, want but do not need. Those who need, those that want, those who die, those who plead. We’ve all been around the block whether we like it or not. True happiness is not knowing what hate is to come, or coming to terms and accepting life will go on and there is always something else going to happen. If a child was to know what all was to come the pain, the joy, the tears, he would say yet while he was in the womb. “Can you promise me I won’t be hurt?” no none of us can, and yet some of us will, but broken promises just hurt more, and that’s all they’ll ever do, no happiness brought from lying to the young, one day they’ll see you for what you really are. One day they’ll see you in themselves, one day they will lose all hope for humanity, but in the meantime..... you won’t let them get hurt.... will you?

an oldy, just finished

As i hit the floor one more time, i remember all the other times i thought this was the end, my end, his send, but no, i know now the truth that this is just the end of another day, the next will come, and i'll be there myself unfortunatly, the same thing it always is, wake up in my own putrid stench of maybe tommorow, i won't have to hold it in" what reason do i really have to do anything with my life, i'll just let others use me to their own means, but this my safe haven...home, horrendous... home, no one sees what's become of myself all they see is what they've twisted me into, vile and broken, worn in, out spoken .... my breakfast the same thing i had for supper last week.... or lunch...... or is it even mine, it's there and i'm here, so here we are. a pack of twisted leaves beside me, a flame to kindle, burn, inhale, burn away the morning blues the darks greys brights whites reds and hughes, make my morning yours, you already had last night, or was it then? it doesn't matter, never did, this is what i've become now, a life that made me this "what to do today..." i never know how to answer this question it's as far as i ever get, i go i am gone, outside, the trees the leaves, breeze and blow in out and flow, my lungs fill and blow my mind flies and glows i know it shows, don't care... who's there? they don't care. even there they sit and stare and where do they think they are going? do they know, do they know that i don't?.... i don't.... care, who really cares what i've become?.... who really knows?.... no one knows, at least what shows.... my poison friend, are you really that bad, make me happy make me glad at least what i've had.... i'm armour clad invincible and untouched by the things around me and such, i remain myself but not my own i remain in place but not at home, as i return to my dweeling my hollow my hell, i live in this world a dweller and life but i'm not my own, this thin balanced knife, feed the addiction cutting the meat, i'm walking deathly, still breathing, blood heat. but i am not living this homes lost it all, i'm dark when i fall this is my dwelling my cradle of filth i'm living i'm breathing but i'm not quit myself, i'm not all my own i'm living, not home i'm dead in my heart and now it is known, this cradle of filth i now call my home.

tonight will be the night that i will fall for you.

so yah tonight work was good, in a way, kinda depressing, i was workin with jesse who recently got outa a relationship, and it was because she ran off with another guy that was apparently the love of her life. sorry man, know how it feels. and we got talkin bout how the guy who tries to be nice always ends up losing it seems. then the song played on the radio, and i'm like.... dang.
anyways i'd better leave it at that, other than that i had a really good night, i swung by shores after work and we chilled, watched phonebooth, played rockband 2. so yah, i guess i'll write again another day.

tear my castle down, stone by stone, and let the wind blow, threw my window, till there is nothing left, but a battered rose.

so this weekend i shall once again be leaving towards the glorious city, honestly i can't stand living in this town anymore, sure the town is great and on the outside the people are great, but you turn your back for a minute and theres lies and theivery. honestly i donno how much more of it i can take it's honestly making me sick,

well then

several occasions have passed since i last wrote one of these things, Christmas, newyears, and.... ummmm, yeah i'm lacking of a third so we'll just say beef stew. i really have no idea what to write other than i wish you all a good newyears, i hope mine will trump the last but hey last year wasn't that bad compared to others, let's hope it just gets better.

I see you now, your broken wing. what would happen if i took you in. i can fix you now, you damaged thing, what would happen if i fixed that wing. would you stay with me then with the power of flight or would you leave me alone in the night. you've fallen down from the sky the ground broke your fall, should i take you in or should i let you crawl. Do you deserve something better or deserve what's you no have, do you get special treatment and my love? Do i take you in or leave you there or simply end it now, special treatment or death from above. i'm above you now, ha, who ever would have thought it, you're broken and now beneath me. but i could fix you you know, i could make it all right back the way that it used to be.... why would i want that, why would i want once more to be down here to watch you soar to watch you climb above the clouds while i'm down here on the ground. i'll end it now while our hopes are both so low, like you on the ground a broken winged swallow, and me for once above you, i hold the power, i could fix you or kill you, yes i hold the power.
i'm going to destroy you, i'm jealous you see, for you fly so high, above. i'm going to kill you yes it is me, who will be your undoing demise. for i hate how you fly in the skies.

yeah lol i just wanted to write about a birdy, lol, i'm bringin back some of the old morbidness into my writting incase some haven't noticed, mind you not many of you have read my old stuff.